Beauty from Ashes

I think the end of one year and the beginning of another is a time almost everyone takes to look back and take stock, and look forward and wonder. For me, days and milestones carry great significance. Days that I can remember and look back and point to as the day something ended and a door closed or the day something else began or the day something changed irrevocably. I can look back over the past year and see a number of days that carry meaning for me in one way or another. May 3rd, June 4th, June 6th, June 12th, July 22nd, August 7th…a few that I see. The worst days of my year and the best days of my year. All days where something changed. Everything from finally meeting people I’d known for so long to loss of a sort I never imagined to my 20th birthday and realizing that for better or worse, I was really an adult now and needed to figure out what I was doing with my life. (I’m still working on that.)

This year has brought me some very good things. New friends and deeper relationships with other friends. The chance to go to the Gathering and finally meet in person my very best friends. The Gathering…there are no words. Anyone who was there needs no words. That one, Gathering, is enough. It is no exaggeration to say that it is like a tiny glimpse of heaven. These are the good things this year has brought me.

I also see the changes this year has given me. Little things and bigger things. Glasses changed for contacts. A new computer. Reading more non-fiction, though hardly less fiction. The coffee addiction. Falling in love with music.  Finally realizing how much I love playing the piano and then having to give up lessons. Growing independence and more of my own life separate from my family. Realizing how many different things I could do with my life and wondering what I should be doing with it.

I’ve seen changes this year. I’ve seen good things. Yet this year has also brought me down paths I never wanted to go down; ones that I have fought and dragged my heels every step of the way. Broken me in ways that made, and sometimes still make, me wonder if I can ever be whole again. And I’m not sorry to see this year end, for those reasons.

But above all, the most valuable thing this year has brought me is something that I cannot say I have learned, because sometimes I am barely holding on to it with only one finger. It’s something, though, that I am learning. It is one thing that, if I can someday finally say I have carried it out of this year, it will all have been worth it. The one thing I am holding on to if I can see nothing else is that God is faithful, and the one thing I am learning is to trust Him with everything.

God is faithful. He can be trusted. When I’m walking through darkness and when I cannot see what He is doing or how He could bring good out of it, He is still faithful. When I’m still walking through the darkness and thinking it’s high time for some light, when I’m still wondering and can’t see why, He is still faithful and He is there holding me and walking with me. When I forget that He is there, when I let go of His hand and feel like I’m completely alone, He is still faithful and He is there holding out His hand for me to take again.  When I trust Him with everything and hand it all to Him, and when I can’t see how to trust and take it all back again, He is faithful. When  I want Him to take me out of what I’m in, and He wants me to go through to the other side, He is still faithful. He is always faithful. I have not learned this. I am learning it. But He is faithful in my learning.

As 2009 ends and 2010 begins, remember that. It’s what I will be trying to always remember. God. Is. Faithful.

05 Faithful

Edit: The song I’ve just added comes from Steven Curtis Chapman’s newest album, Beauty Will Rise. I would highly, highly recommend the entire album, and this is one of my favorite songs from it.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.